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Learn How To Be A Deity!

Discussion in 'Everything/Nothing' started by Devastation, Sep 30, 2005.

  1. Devastation

    Devastation Fac et Spera
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    Ever wanted to be a God? Are you a God and need to improve your Godly-powers?

    Well, in this thread, you will receive the help you need.
    So, you want to learn how to be a God?

    Step on up!

    Lesson 1: The first thing to being a God is to remember to have a sense of humor.
    This will explain all unanswered questions to the little people you create.

    Lesson 2: Over-population of your universe can be funny, but costly.
    To fight over-population, it's a good idea to create natural disasters, such as tornadoes, earthquakes, and Jesse Jackson.

    Lesson 3: Don't limit all your creative abilities to one planet, or even one design scheme.
    Our universe contains planets and stars. Our neighboring universe is set up as a line of cities, all with different organisms. The universe neighboring that is made up of cheese balls and shoestrings.

    Lesson 4: When creating and maintaining your universe, have fun. Play with your creations. Make them hate you, love you, or even fear you.
    This can be accomplished through a myriad of ways. My favorite is to pick a creation up by the head and smash him against a heavy object.

    Lesson 5: Remember to clean up your creation area when you're finished.

    How to create your own universe:

    For this project you'll need -- 1 glass bowl, some newspapers, salt and pepper, sperm cells and unfertilized egg cells, some creativity, and of course, Mom and Dad's permission.

    Clear off a spot on the kitchen counter.

    In the glass bowl, mix the lemon juice with the powdered sugar.

    Slowly add the eggs, three-to-eight of them, depending on your favorite color.

    Beat the ingredients together with a fork and a smelly shoe.

    The smells from the shoe will get the atoms moving.

    Now it's time to add the sperm and egg cells.

    First, combine both the sperm and egg cells in a plastic sandwich bag.

    Beat the sandwich bag savagely.

    Add in some sulfuric acid, and then dip the bag into a vat of liquid nitrogen.

    Add the contents of the bag into the egg-lemon juice mixture.

    Stir well and set aside.

    At this time, it's a good idea to take a restroom break.

    When you return from taking the Cleveland Browns to the Super Bowl, it's time to get creative.
    Take your mixture and start forming your creations.

    Place them on the newspaper and say the magic incantation.

    On your counter you should now see a universe start to form.

    Use the menu on the screen to add and delete natural disasters, multiply your creations, start wars, etc.

    Don't forget to have fun, and clean up when you're finished.
     
  2. brainkandy87

    brainkandy87 Old soldiers never die

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    Next time someone asks you if you're a god, you say, YES!
     
  3. Wild Phoenix

    Wild Phoenix Frodo:The Cannibal Hobbit

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    Mmmmm, I smell manwiches.
     
  4. SlOtH

    SlOtH F**kin the party up-in

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    Can we all agree that deity is a funny word?
     
  5. TheColbyJack

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    Jesus, DeVaSTaTiOn makes the best god damn threads.

    Sl0th, your avatar still makes my dick hard.
     
  6. Trickee

    Trickee Well-Known Member

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    i wonder how many people, drunk, at 5 in the morning, are gonna try to make their own universe, and destroy half the block?
     
  7. godwhyme?

    godwhyme? Guest

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    That's a lot of work. No wonder it took seven days. How about becoming a demi-God. What's that involve?
     
  8. /\/eO

    /\/eO I failed at the Matrix

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    That whole Cleveland Brown's/Superbowl thing is gonna be the hardest hurdle to overcome. G'luck with that one.
     
  9. evilmittens

    evilmittens Kill, Maim, Purge!
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    Ok dev, you know I dont want to be God but the anti-christ...lessions for that please.
     
  10. uglycatface

    uglycatface ---------------------

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    but what's the magic incantation?!
     
  11. Devastation

    Devastation Fac et Spera
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    The incantation is different for everyone.

    To find out what your incantation is, take the red stone, lace it with Egyptian reeds, and rub it on the white stone.

    Repeat the noise it makes seven times.
     
  12. eadgbe

    eadgbe It's ice cream, pervert.

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    i would love to be a god. my gospel could go something like this:

    and the good lord eadgbe looked down at what he had created and said, "yeek-yeek woop-woop why you all in my ear? get back, motherfucker! you don't know me like that."
     
  13. Devastation

    Devastation Fac et Spera
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    Anti-Christ Lessons:

    1. Follow the procedures to create your universe.

    2. Select one of your creations at random and spread your seed to it.

    3. After the child is born, spread your seed to the person again, and this time, convince it to smart smoking and drinking while it's with child.

    4. When the child is born, perform a mind-meld with the subject, and proceed to destroy your universe in a bevy of fun and hilarious ways.

    5. Remember to clean up when you're finished.
     
  14. uglycatface

    uglycatface ---------------------

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    i guess i can't be a god :(

    all the rocks around here are brown or black.

    except the crack rocks, those are tan.

    "bling bling is expertise in smoking crack! ...this color... means it's mmm good crack! bling bling!"

    gotta love bumfights.
     
  15. evilmittens

    evilmittens Kill, Maim, Purge!
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    You sir, are a fount of knowledge. :bow:
     
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